Wednesday, April 17, 2013

About Being Ready


I am currently fascinated by when couples know they are ready for a child. How do you cross that line between not being ready to being ready? From loving being a twosome to longing to be a family of three.

Some girlfriends of mine have shared that it happened in the thinking they were pregnant and then realizing they weren’t and being disappointed. That makes sense. I had one time where I was 100% positive I was pregnant. I had all the symptoms according to Web MD. Headaches. Boob tenderness. Cramping.

Now, you should know I always think I’m pregnant because I’m always a day or two late. But this wasn’t anywhere near my period and I started experiencing all these odd symptoms that were not normal for me. I know my body. This was off. Garth, always the first to tell me I’m not pregnant looked at the Web MD screen and said “I think you should buy a pregnancy test.”

WHOA. That was not his usual reaction so I panicked. “WHAT?! You think I actually am pregnant?!” He assured me I probably wasn’t, but would it be the worst thing if I was? Such a sweetheart. We drove to Kroger in silence as thoughts of being a parent danced through my head. I’m so dramatic.

I felt like a teenager grabbing a pregnancy test. Ok, two tests. Just to be sure. I was blushing and embarrassed and felt like I needed to flash my ring to anyone who even glanced in my direction.

I wasn't pregnant. I took the other test just to be sure. Negative. Relief washed over me. I'm not ready to be a parent and that is okay. No one is pressuring us. It is a very personal decision and if you aren't ready you aren't ready. We are not ready. I'm almost 30, but I believe God has a plan for Garth and I. And right now is not that time.

I am not ready to be a parent, but if it happens it happens. But I cannot imagine my life without children. I do think we will be parents someday. Maybe I will give birth or maybe I will adopt. Maybe both. But God has given me peace in this time. Peace with being a twosome for a bit longer.

It is not the time for us. Maybe two years down the road. Three or maybe even five years down the line we'll be ready. Who knows. But I'm in no rush. I'm happy where we are in our lives right now.

Sometimes I do feel guilty for not being ready when so many would do anything for a child. But who knows if I will even have trouble giving birth. All I can do is pray. Pray for those who are trying for a child. Pray that God will give Garth and I peace about our decision. Sure. Sometimes I feel like everyone on Facebook is pregnant and I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not ready? As 30 creeps closer and closer I realize if/when we have kids I will be an old parent. Is that weird? Will my kids miss out having an older parent? If I start trying at 32 and I have trouble getting pregnant will I miss my window to give birth?

I don’t have control. God is in control. I want to be 100% present for my future kids so I want to be ready. To really want it. I'm just going to trust God. To pray. To relinquish control. In the meantime, Garth and I have started reading Adopted for Life. We can start reading and educating ourselves in the meantime. 

So tell me. When did you know you were ready? That you wanted to start trying?

15 comments:

Aishlea said...

It is such a personal decision and different for every single couple! For us, we had talked about a tentative timeline we had pictured when we got married. When that time approached, we had been praying about it and talking about it and we just felt it was time. We were ready. Not that you are ever really ready in that sense, but we had that desire, urging, longing to be parents. A few months later, we were pregnant with Cohen. :) Best thing to ever happen to us! With baby #2, it was an easier process to decide, as we knew how much we loved Cohen and wanted to give him a sibling. We've done this now for a while and feel like we can handle two. :) Best wishes to you both as you pray and wait for the right time. But like I said...I don't know if anyone is EVER really ready! A baby certainly changes everything, and it is a wonderful experience!

Liz said...

I don't know that anyone is ever really "ready". You just take a leap of faith. My husband and I had been married for 5 years before we started trying. We took so many trips, slept in, and just lived the best life we could. We thought children would ruin it - but would still be worth it. Well I'm here to tell you that life only gets better - for us anyway. Harder, sure, but we're so much happier now than we've ever been. I know that's not true for everyone, and I do miss our lazy days sometimes, but you can still be you, you can still be head over heels for your spouse and you can have a child (or a few) too. You just have to know that yes your life will change but that doesn't mean change is bad. It's all about perspective. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do and when!

Beth and Ryan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beth said...

I appreciate this post so much! My husband and I are a lot like you and Garth and it's so refreshing to hear someone my age, in my same stage of life who's "not ready." I have been feeling like I should have kids for lots of reasons - "ticking biological clock", my younger sister having TWO kids already, all my friends having kids, my mom was a young mom (I was 8 by the time she was my age!) just lots of different reasons. But, it's ok to not "be ready." I struggle too with the, WHEN WILL I BE READY ALREADY feeling, thinking there's something wrong with me. Is is bad that I don't want kids when all those around me do? Is it ok to want to be selfish and have this time with my husband? It's a daily struggle for me. I know we are READY to have kids (maturity wise, financially, emotionally, etc.) and we want to have kids, but for some reason, we're just not there. Thanks for your honesty. You're not alone! You put my heart at ease this morning!

Linnea said...

I love this post. I too, and quickly approaching 30 and know that my husband and I are not ready. I totally understand what you mean about wondering if there is something wrong with you. Especially when a lot of my friends my age already have children. I don't even anticipate being ready for another couple of years. You and Garth are not alone!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

Love this post. I honestly think you just know. Which is totally cliche and such a generic answer but.. I also think no one is ever quite "ready". But when it's time, you manage to hang on and it becomes the best thing ever. You'll make an amazing Mama one day. That's for sure :)

Sarah said...

I've always wanted kids and after a few years of marriage, my husband and I were finally in stable and secure jobs, we talked about when we were ready. We had an upcoming trip so we decided that I would go off my meds for a few months to regulate and just see what happens. Sure enough after regulating for 3 months, we were then in trying mode which I have been told on average it takes 6 months for couples without any issues. We got pregnant the next month and that was it. We just both felt ready with where our lives were at and were ready for that next challenge.

Anne said...

I totally feel you on the 'will I be too old'. Definitely can make you crazy worrying, all I think is, I'm almost 32 and starting from scratch! Oh well. Exactly right- all you can do is TRUST GOD. I had older parents and it wasn't the end of the world at all :)

Renise said...

I feel you on the too old, 32 is a few months away and we probably won't toss the bc for another year, maybe longer. Honestly I think my husband wants us to be a twosome as long as possible :-) But kids are in our future just not the near future. And when I think about being an older mom, I just remind myself that as long as I keep myself healthy I'll be able to keep up with my kids! And I think I'll benefit from having had the opportunity to watch my friends and sister (younger and has 2 already) as they've began their parenting journey's.

Jen Caputo said...

I think you are not ready for a child until you can't imagine your life without one and it hurts not to have one. Every year I kept thinking "Well maybe next year I'll feel that way" but I tell you... every year I feel further in the opposite direction, so much so that I have 'nightmares' that I am pregnant. I know now that I do not want kids and having them will not make me a complete person, I already am a complete person. I love my nephew and some of my best friends kids but I just can't do it myself without thinking about being absolutely miserable. So for me, I am content to spoil the little ones I love and give them back to their parents at the end of the day! There are so many unwanted kids in this world, the thought of having a child just because it's what everyone else is doing makes me sick. I think you are really smart to wait until you know in your heart you are ready and you can't live without a child of your own.

Rachel said...

I've also wondered about how and when that desire ever hits! We've been married 2 and a half years now and not even the slightest baby fever has showed up yet! Oh well, I'm not worried. Someday....

Kenya said...

Hubs and I will celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary in November and we still don't have kids. Drives people nuts when they hear this. But simply put, we enjoy our life as it is now. We are not being greedy, just enjoying it all before our life takes a different turn when we have kids. For some people, it's hard for them to wrap that around their brains.

Megg Joosten said...

Thanks for this. It's always refreshing to see a blogger post about not wanting kids...because that's where I am too.
I'll be 30 in September, and I used to want to be pregnant before I turned 30. I kept putting a timeline in my mind and then I'd get close, and push it off a bit further. Finally, when my SIL got pregnant, I realized how much I do NOT want a baby...yet. My husband's in school, so we talked and decided we'll start trying/talking about it the summer before he graduates, so I won't be too old, and I won't have a newborn while he's still in school.
For now, we're enjoying being a family of 2. I'm sure we'll love having kids, but for now, as a friend put it, we're selfish...to selfish to have kids. And that's OK. Plus, we've only been married 3 years. There's no rush, we have years ahead of us to be a family of more than 2.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you can ever truly be ready to have children. My grandmother always told me "If you wait for the right time, the right time will never come. You will never have enough money, you will never have enough time..." And it's true. If you try to plan something as big as children I don't think you are ever going to truly find a correct time. Children need one thing above all and that is love. Do you have enough love? If so then go for it. I always wanted to be a mother. I was told in high school by the doctors that I would never be able to have children due to medical reasons. To my shock when I was in my early 20's and with my partner I became pregnant. Was it at a time in my life when I was ready? Absolutely not!!! Did I in any way shape or form have what I should have had ( a house, fantastic job, marriage...) nope ! But you know what I did have? I have the love of always wanting to be a mother, more than anything in the world and that baby I never thought I would have is about to turn 9. I wouldn't change a thing, I would do it all over again, the exact same way because it brought me one of the most important people in my life and one of the most important jobs I could ever have! You and Garth have a loving home, a supportive caring family, good jobs.. you have traveled, and so on. You are doing everything just fine miss :) A child will be very lucky to call you mom !

Katy Nustad said...

My goodness this is so timely for me!!! My husband & I have been married for almost a year now and I turned 30 last month. John & I definitely want to have kids and sometimes I feel external pressure to have them (some of my family members don't really see my husband & I as a "family" because we do not have children and it irritates me to no end.) But I absolutely should NOT have kids to prove that we are a family--that would be incredibly silly. I don't have the itch to have kids yet... My husband is younger and it does cross my mind that we may struggle getting pregnant, have a hard labor, not be able to have more than one kid--or even have twins or something (odds of twins increases with age). I can't believe our first year of marriage went by so quickly and I want more time with just "us"! Both of our parents were definitely older--especially considering their generation--when we were both born (my Dad 42, my Mom 31, his mom 37), so I have examples where it works out for the best. Our long-term goal is to retire no later than 57 with our kids out of college, so I must have kids by 35 LOL. So maybe we will start trying when I am 32 if we are ready?? Husband will be 29 then. *sigh*. All this makes my brain hurt and I'd rather just live life in the present and let God work it all out for us :). oh wait, that is His plan! LOL :). Thanks again for the post!!!