Fear

I am pretty much scared of everything. I’m scared of getting in a car accident. The house burning down. Speaking in public. Making a fool of myself. Hurting someone I care about. Messing up at work. Having skin cancer. Or any cancer, really. Reading out loud. Snakes. Bats. Being attacked. Being robbed. The people I loving being in car accidents, having cancer, being attacked or robbed. And the list goes on.

I hate this the most about myself. I hate being afraid of everything. It’s exhausting. If Garth doesn’t answer the phone I’m sure he was in a car accident. I’m trying so hard to get better. As a Christian woman I know I need to let my fears go and to trust God. But, gosh, it is so much easier said than done. As soon as my mind starts to think the worst I try to stop it and pray.

It got really bad last week. I love to act. To be on stage. As a child I used to be in all my church plays and I loved it. But something happened. As I got older I became afraid. Of speaking in public. Of letting go and portraying someone else. I wanted to do something different and outside my comfort zone so I was going to audition for our church play last week. Except the thought of auditioning gave me the worst anxiety. I would literally start sweating just thinking about it.

Garth encouraged me to try-out and not to let fear hold me back because he knew I would regret it. I knew he was right. But fear won out. I was too scared to get outside my comfort zone. To try something new that could have been an amazing experience. I let fear hold me back and I hate that so much.

I have started to meditate on these verses:

²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:25-34

I’m going to consciously start making an effort to let go of my fears. Trust God. Stop worrying about what people think. Well, just stop worrying in general. About everything. Because the God of the Universe knows how many hairs are on my head and He cares about me. He commands that I not worry or be fearful.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

This is the way I’m going to live from now on. And next year? Next year I will try out for the play. In the meantime, I’ll start trying new things and get out of my comfort zone more often. To stretch myself and live life the way God wanted me to.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” I like that and I think I will do just that.