The second installment of our imarriage study was about expectations colliding. The idea that when "desires harden into expectations, it changes the whole dynamic of the marriage...The underlying message between the spouse is, 'You owe me'" and if you do not meet those expectations there will be severe penatlies. This is because expectations reflect what you feel you deserve and these expectations may even be realistic, but if not met they lead to disappointment.
Yikes. That will suck the intimacy and romance out of any marriage, right? So how do we protect our marriage from this "you owe me" dynamic? First, I think we need to evaluate what we think our spouses owe us. Then we need to sit down with our spouse and discuss the expectations we have for each other. Garth and I did this before we were married and on each anniversary we discuss the expectations again. They can change over time.
Thank goodness we discussed expectations before we were married otherwise Garth would have been disappointed to find out I did not cook! All joking aside, I firmly believe it's important to discuss what you expect from your marriage. You may not even realize you have expectations until you sit down and really think about it.
Stanley suggests the cure to the "you owe me" dynamic is to focus on serving your spouse out of love. If you see something that needs to be done and are waiting for your spouse to do it, maybe you could it instead.
Garth usually cooks and I clean up. It works for us. But sometimes I get home before Garth so I will make dinner because I know it will surprise him and make him happy. He does not expect me to clean up if I cooked and I love that! I'm not saying we are perfect, but it is important to be mindful of our spouses and to serve each other.
Ultimately, in a perfect relationship it would be healthy to not expect anything from your spouse. Instead, in anything they do for the relationship you should appreciate it every time as if it were a gift and if you are going to expect anything, expect it from yourself as well.
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7 comments:
I am loving your posts on the marriage study...I would so love for you to be part of my series on marriage..Please email me @dapancakes@gmail.com. Thank you!
Why dont you cook?
This is so awesome! I love being blessed by these little tidbits every week! I totally apply them to our young marriage :)
OOoh, man. My biggest problem in my marriage is my unrealistic expectations of my husband. Thanks for the reminder!!
Stacy @
http://cardigansandcrayons.blogspot.com/
Great post!
1) I'm a new follower and just wanted to say your blog is so cute! I too put a lot of work into learning to be a wife so i can appreciate this!!
2) i admit, i'm kinda jealous of the snow. agh.
Great thoughts! I always say I would do anything fr my husband as long as he appreciates it and it's not "expected." This is not necessarily the rght attitude to have but makes me appreciate what he does without expecting it all the time.
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